Where oh where have my babies gone???

   Everybody tells me how great it is and how happy I should be that my son got a job, especially in this economy.  And then in the next breathe they tell me how great it is that my daughter's husband has a plan for their future which includes some graduate schooling. I know that it is true. But both of those truths required that my children had to move away....out of state....far from home and me.

     I know that they are all happy to be starting their new lives and that they have their spouses to be with them. Maybe they are even glad to be away from all the family chaos with certain expectations and personality idiosyncracies. I know that they probably don't have time to think much about me here back at Utah. They are busy. I know that they are grown up adults. I know that I have other children to see and be with daily and weekly.........but......my heart still feels a bit jagged and I feel like half of me is missing.

    Most of the time I can deal with it and I try to keep busy and it has to be OK......but sometimes out of the clear blue with no explanation....it hits me hard that there are lots of important special people that are really gone from my life.....and not just a few minutes away or even a state away but really truly far far away which means that I won't get to see them for months. No chance of a surprise week-end visit, no Sunday dinners, no hope for a week's visit here in a month, no game nights, no sleepovers.  No real plans as to when I will get to see any of them. It could be 4 months....it could be 6 months.....none of us knows.

    And then I cry. It comes on suddenly. I try to be alone cause my out-of-the blue tears are hard to explain especially when I now live in a house with more testosterone than estrogen.

I want to hear my oldest son walk in the door and laugh and ask me how my week has been and call me "momma", with only the inflection that he can. I want to eat pizza and play cards with him. I want to make pork chops for him cause he appreciates them so much. I need a hug.

I want to see the bag of crochet yarn by the couch. And the size 11 flip flops by the door that belong to the lovely tall dark haired beauty who comes with my son and who is still so in love with him. And so good for him and to him.

I want to pull long, thick clumps of hair out of the downstairs shower drain that belongs to my curly headed baby girl. I want to turn on my computer and see that she has been there on facebook or watching "America's next top model". I want to watch her eat her cheetos out of the bag and tomatoes out of the garden. I need a visit.

But most of all I need to have the small handprints on the front window glass. I want to hear the freezer drawer open and hear the words "pop".  I want to sit and read a few dozen books today. I want to get the Fisher Price garage set down and play with it AGAIN. I want to look out the back door and see the stool and cups by the fountain. I want some little arms around my neck to kiss me and make me not sad. I want a little voice to holler "grammie" when he wakes up and comes up the stairs. I want to sneak downstairs early in the morning and listen at his door to see if he is awake. I want to go down to the school and swing. I want to hold that perfect little hand. I NEED my grandson.  Cause he loves me so freely and unconditionally. And he loves to be with me and follow me around.  I know that I will be missing so many big events in his life these next 4 years. going trick or treating, Christmas mornings, the simple joy of seeing a baby animal or tasting a new treat. Things that he will do that I will never get to see or participate in. Words that he will say and things that he does one day but then doesn't do  again. Those big blue eyes and that killer smile.

I don't care if there are phones or Skype or e-mails. It is not a good enough replacement for that little body that comes running into my arms. There are not touches or kisses or small hands through a phone or computer screen. I miss my boy.

I know that I am luckier than some cause I do have one other grandchild. But he is kinda little. He doesn't know me nor respond yet to me like the older ones does. But I love him every week and kiss him and sing to him and I can't wait for him to grown up and become my buddy too. And I really hope that he doesn't move away. I don't think this old grammie heart can take any more good byes.